February 28, 2013

Cloud Rat - Moksha (2013)


More ruthless blackened grinding chaos, this time from Michigan grindfreaks Cloud Rat. This EP is some seriously messed up shit. The vocals on this thing could scrape the rust off of your old grandpa's bicycle and the riffing is like a crowbar to the face. A must-listen for this year.

On an unrelated note, I've recently watched Martyrs and kinda felt like throwing up a little :(

February 27, 2013

Rotting Christ - Κατά τον δαίμονα εαυτού (2013)


For more Athens-based Greek metal madness, go here

It's been almost 20 years since Rotting Christ released their first album, Thy Mighty Contract. Obviously it was a pretty damn good one, since they've kept going at it for two decades now, gaining a massive fanbase in the process. Various changes in line-up and sound have moulded the band from a wild grindcore outfit to the black metal legends they are now and 2013 finds Rotting Christ at its most concentrated form, being comprised only of the brothers Sakis (guitars, vocals, keyboards) and Temis (drums) Tolis.

Their last album Aealo was basically unlistenable to me - too many keyboards, bro :( - so I was a little weary of their latest offering, called Kata Ton Daimona Eaytoy (Do What Thou Will), being plagued by the same enormous quantity of keyboards. I am happy to report that this is not the case at all.

The black metal component of the band's sound takes a back-seat in favor of a rather grandiose, operatic style of death metal infused with some avantgarde elements. Opening track In Yumen - Xibalba begins with what turns out to be one of the main elements of the album, namely dark, ominous chanting done in some exotic language. The chants slowly build up to a frenzy of melodic guitar lines and rather simplistic blast-beat drumming, over which Sakis Tolis sings his martial lyrics, accompanied by some Tibetan-like war chanting. This basic recipe reappears time and time again throughout the album and, while it may sound boring, the band does a really good job of making every song feel fresh and interesting.



The guitar work on display here is fantastic: basic palm-muted chugs alternate with beautiful melodic passages that lend an air of majestic elegance to the songs. I think Sakis Tolis has really outdone himself and has come up with some impressive guitar lines. The drums, on the other hand, are rather simplistic - Temis Tolis uses classic, tried-and-true heavy metal patterns mixed with some tribal-sounding bashing during intros and bridges, which work really well in counterbalancing the slightly sophisticated guitar melodies with a more primal, wild backdrop. As mentioned, the terrific atmosphere is built upon various chanting and chorus vocals that create a mystical aura around each track.

The lyrical content and themes seem to have various sources of inspiration, mostly from different religious and spiritual cultures and beliefs around the world. A quick Google search for some of the song titles reveals concepts lifted from Zoroastrianism, Mayan mythology, ancient Sumerian history, Russian folklore and even old Romanian folk songs - the band does a brilliant rendition of Cine Iubește și Lasă (Romanian bros, ask your parents about this). It's a huge mess, but this diversity ultimately works in the band's favor.

After listening to this over and over again for the past two days, I feel comfortable saying that this is some of Rotting Christ's best album to date and one of 2013's finest releases. The musicianship is top-notch, the production is clean yet soulful, the atmosphere is great and the entire album feels GRAND. Which is why I will be doing my best to catch Rotting Christ during one of their live gigs in Greek cities I've never heard about. I'm convinced this album sounds amazing live.

In the mean time, have a listen for yourself.


February 26, 2013

Local Natives - Hummingbird (2013)



Local Natives are a bunch of local natives from Los Angeles who perform some kind of indie/folk/neo-boredom. Not that this is necesarly boring, but I just can't get into chill music, man. It makes me tap my foot against the floor hoping that it's just an obscene build up to something outrageously loud and epic. Obviously, that's never the case.

 But sometimes, when my ADD wears off, I find myself enjoying the blessings of a repetitive drum pattern accompanied by gentle guitars and soothing vocals. Hummingbird reminded the chaotic and obnoxiously energetic Marco that music is not only about bombastic guitar riffs, violent drumming and enthusiastic ''fuck the system'' messages. It can be a beautiful and heartbreaking story about loneliness, sadness and loss told in a bitter-sweet fashion. More so, while being a slow paced album and all, it's still groovy as hell. Local Natives know their shit when it comes to slow music and are talented enough to keep you engaged even after a cryptic 5 minutes long song about hell knows what emotion or traumatizing event torments their souls.

Or maybe I feel asleep while listening to it and woke up confusing it with another album. We'll never know.


Tribulation - The Horror (2009)


Tribulation is one of Sweden's finest death metal acts and their debut album The Horror is definitely one of  the essential releases of the recent years. Featuring Adam Zaars (Repugnant, ex-Enforcer) on guitars, this album is an absolute monster, with nine tracks of sheer aggression and horror that will leave you lying in a puddle of blood and vomit. The guitars have that thick, chainsaw-like Swedish tone we all love and they rip out one bowel-spilling riff after another, while also tending to lock into some sweet rocking grooves. The vocals are raspy as hell and sound truly evil and the lyrics are actually quite well thought out, dealing with things like necrophilia and hungering for human flesh. Elegant. Add  to all this the fantastic production, that's polished but still very old-school sounding and you've got one of my favorite death metal albums ever.

Their new album entitled The Formulas of Death will be dropping this Friday so be sure to check it out, it definitely promises to be a worthy successor to their first album. In the mean time, I've got this one on heavy rotation.

DEATH STILL LIVES BEYOND THE HORROR

February 25, 2013

Troglodyte - Don't Go in the Woods (2012)


I'm not sure how I've managed to miss this one, but my favorite sasquatch-themed death metal has returned with a new album. Troglodyte are back with a vengeance and present us 13 tracks of blistering modern deathgrind about everyone's favorite forest dweller. There are no fancy solos or complex song structures here - only head-splitting CHUGS, barked vocals and lyrics about getting your legs eaten by Bigfoot. Amazing artwork, as usual. You go, guys!

Murderous Bi-Pedal Hominid Rampage

February 24, 2013

Mar de Grises - The Tatterdemalion Express (2004)



I figured it’s been quite some time since I’ve posted anything doom related, so I might just take a crack at it (contributing for sure to Chester’s untimely death_by_doom_reviews condition). Therefore, this month’s podium award will have to go the chilean outfit Mar de Grises and its ackwardly named debut release, The Truthful Dandelion Express!

Wait, what?! OH, it’s spelled Ta-tter-dema-lion? Like in tit-for-tat? Or just ti…

Ahhbutfuckit! The Express it is then!

What these guys play (hmm, didn’t I just say doom? Nvm…) it’s some kind of anything-goes combo which, for the lack of a better description, might not roll your canoe if you’re not in the specific mood for it. The compositions aren’t that technical, drums occasionally feel out of place, solos are few and far-between, vocals have that tortured death metal shriek to them and are, for the most part, completely incomprehensible, while in the background the rhythm guitar sometimes spews out riffs that wouldn’t be out of place on a nu-metal/metalcore release (see the sixth track, Be Welcome Oh Hideous Hell).

Oh, and there’s also that cacophony of sounds  that starts sometime after the four minute mark of the second track, To See Saturn Fall, over which is added some kind of a drum solo (because it really isn’t a solo per se, just a bunch of randomly thrown beats with no distinct pattern that probably even myself could conjure).

So what’s special about this album in order for it to warrant a brief spot on the Tzeeeac front page? Truthfully, I don’t really know. It might be the completely cool bass at the start of Storm, or the piano instrumental Self Portrait No. 1 (incidentally my favorite track in the whole album) or that at times, vocals sound eerily like early day Tristania. Those parts and the rest, complete with all the oddities that this record has to offer, manage somehow to hold my attention without making me want to skip tracks.

Oh, and I think the artwork deserves a special mention as well.  Two upper bodies united at the chest area while “walking” in different directions of a horizontal pole might enter the disturbing category of “images to put your kids to sleep on”, yet it completely satisfies my need for compulsory artful visualgasms.

And that, I say, is more than enough by my standards. Here’s a track, listen and maybe search for more.



All hail The Hurtful Pantsylion Oriental Express!

Wait, what?!?

 

Suffocation - Pinnacle of Bedlam (2013)


Suffocation's new album was on my list of the most anticipated metal albums of 2013 but truth be told, I never got terribly excited over it. Call it gut feeling if you will, but I didn't expect to like it that much. But hey, it's a new Suffocation album, you HAVE to take notice of it.

Unfortunately, I wasn't wrong about Pinnacle of Bedlam. I don't like it at all. All of the songs sound pretty much the same - like cookie-cutter, run-of-the-mill generic brutal death metal. I honestly think that if you took off the Suffocation logo and replaced it with any other death metal band's logo, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Everything sounds so fucking bland and there are no hooks, no memorable solos or riffs, nothing. The album just chugs along, song after song, and by the time it's over you've forgotten all about it.

I'm seriously disappointed with this album, but most people seem to like it, so maybe there's something wrong with me. I make it a point not to write about any albums I hate on TZEEEAC, but seeing as I was claiming to be excited for it to come out, I figured I should follow up with my impressions. Oh well. Hope the other albums on my list turn out better.

Feels bad man.


February 23, 2013

Rotten Sound - Species at War (2013)


This new EP by Finland's Rotten Sound will probably be the most painful few minutes you've ever experienced so far this year. Absolutely perfect EP, can't find a single thing wrong with it. It's a bulldozing barrage of sound from start to finish. And you can blast it at full volume for free. Hate your neighbours!

http://rottensound.bandcamp.com/

Portal - Vexovoid (2013)


Everyone's favorite Australian incomprehensible death metal band is back at it! Someone once described Portal as Immolation from another galaxy playing everything in reverse (or something along these lines) and this description couldn't be more fitting now that they've released their new album Vexovoid. Picking up right where 2009's Swarth left off, The Curator and his gang of hooded beings unleash a new sonic onslaught worthy of their reputation.

Everything is pretty much exactly what I expected. The production is murky and thick, the riffs are similarly dirty and hard to descipher, the songs are composed of multiple shifting patterns that are difficult to pinpoint, The Curator's voice is just as throaty and fear-inducing as always and the general atmosphere is so barbaric and oppressive that it makes you wonder just what abyssal pit did these guys really crawl out of. Oh, and their lyrics are ermetic as fuck and I can't understand any of it. I am trying to make sense of all those weird words that sound as if they were dictated by ancient aliens, but to no avail. But here, maybe you can:

Uhhh... what?

All of this adds up to a typical Portal album - nobody understands it, but everybody swears it's good. Their reputation probably adds a lot of unnecessary pressure to like their music and pretend that you totally get it, when in fact you have no idea what's going on. It's definitely an interesting and fascinating listen, but it is also a difficult album to get into. Which is why I'm having a hard time figuring out why sites like Pitchfork, which usually review Gucci Mane mixtapes, are getting so excited over this band. Still, the feeling of sheer cosmik terror you get from listening to Vexovoid is enough to warrant a recommendation from me, so go listen to this sonic deformity. You might not understand it, but you will certainly feel it.

February 22, 2013

BEDTIME PODCAST REVIEW: Hellcast Metal Podcast


Bedtime Podcast Review is where I tell you all about the podcasts I listen to in bed, late at night, while trying to fall asleep, because I'm a baby who hates sleeping without his beloved iPod. Since black metal or other noisy music tends to keep me up until the early hours of morning, I usually resort to my small, but constantly expanding catalogue of podcasts I follow. On the first iteration of this column, I talked about my favorite comedy movie podcast, Kissing Contest. Now, it's time to BRING OUT THE METAL, BR0!!!

The Hellcast Metal Podcast is a comedy METAL podcast affiliated with the Hell's Headbangers label and distro. The show is hosted by two dudes who go by the names of Ripper and Eddie Satan and episodes come out on a bi-monthly basis, sort of. But not always. There can be more episodes per month, or there can be less. Obviously, the hosts play a big part in the success of a podcast. These guys are doing a hell of a job here - they're both funny, they have lots of crazy stories about death metal concerts, douchebag Slayer fans and whatnot and they seem to know their metal pretty well. They're also huge Nunslaughter fans and are even friends with Don of the Dead (he co-hosts the show on one episode!!), so bonus points for that.

Their studio looks nice, too.

Episodes usually feature a lot of funny banter and metal chat, along with a segment where they purposefully listen to bands like Design the Skyline and go WOAH THIS SUCKS BALLSACK HOLY SHIT THIS IS BAD (pretty annoying to me), an interview with some well-known metal dude (they recently interviewed Chris Reifert from Autopsy, wooooo!) and lots of metal music. Each episode usually has around 10 to 15 songs, mostly in the old-school sounding death, black and thrash metal, so there's no technical death metal or wigger slam to be found on this show. I can't really complain, as most of  the music they play is bitchin' and I always write down some bands to check out after each episode.

Admittedly, my experience with metal podcasts is fairly limited. Even so, I have to give it to these guys: Hellcast has immediately become my favorite metal podcast on the internet right now. Between two great hosts, cool interviews, ass-ripping music and really good production values, there are virtually no reasons not to tune in to every episode. Obviously, these guys need no plugging from a sweet bro such as myself, but nevertheless, if you were looking for a funny metal podcast with tons of good music, look no further than the Hellcast. It's good for you!

Useful links: 

Hellcast Website: http://hellcast.hellsheadbangers.com/
Hellcast on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/hellcastmetalpodcast
Hellcast on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/hellcast-metal-podcast/id462927705?mt=2&ign-mpt=uo%3D4


February 21, 2013

Njiqahdda - Serpents in the Sky (2013)


A new year has begun and Njiqahdda apparently have some self-imposed album quota to fill, because they're already released one full-length album and one EP. The former is called Serpents in the Sky and continues the band's tradition of playing mystical, astral post-black metal with hypnotic, drawn-out compositions and reverberated vocals. This one sees the band's sound becoming more conventional and articulated, incorporating lyrics sung in English, recognizable song structures and even guitar solos, which bring their music back into the human realm and away from the cosmic depths the band usually frequents.

It's definitely a solid Njiqahdda album, but there's probably 30 more of them planned for release in 2013, so I guess I'll wait and see what else they come up with before making my mind. You can listen to it in its entirety by clicking on the video below.


February 20, 2013

Shai Hulud – Misanthropy Pure (2008)



Any band that takes its name after the sand worms in Dune, has an album title containing a variation of the word misanthrope and the first track speaks of flesh eating venom  is guaranteed to get my attention.

Strangely enough, these guys have been rocking hard since 1995, yet it’s 2013 and I have just found out about them. I guess the urban myth concerning the end of the internets is really nothing more than…an urban myth, evidently… du’h_face.jpg

So if don’t mind the music labeled as metalcore (it’s most likely they’re one of the genre pioneers anyway) and you’re looking for something to blast through the speakers until the sand worms themselves jump out of the books and start a mosh pit in your living room, then say no more, as Shai Hulud is here to deliver!





Umberto - Confrontations (2013)


Kansas City time traveler Umberto is back with a new album. Seven tracks of delicious vintage sci-fi soundscapes perfect for exploring futuristic cities, flying your spaceship across barren asteroids, doing drugs in a space-brothel or taking part in laser-gun shoot-outs. Amazing atmosphere, just as I have come to expect from this master of retro sounds. You can stream Confrontations, as well as all of his other albums, on Umberto's bandcamp page. Prepare to be abducted!

http://umberto.bandcamp.com/album/confrontations

February 19, 2013

Chipita Bougatsa-flavored Pita Chips


Bougatsa is a traditional Greek phyllo pastry pie filled with semolina custard and sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon on top. Sounds harmless enough, but how about eating it as chips? I was looking in disbelief at the supermarket shelf the first time I've seen these. The graphics on the bag were suggestive enough, but I actually had to read the English description and ingredients list to make sure I understood exactly what these things are - bougatsa-flavored pita chips. Okay...

Despite my dreadful expectations, they're actually decent. As soon as I opened the bag and stuffed my face inside it, I was enveloped by a slightly artificial smell of cinnamon and cake. I've never had actual bougatsa so I don't really know how they stand up against it, but the taste reminded me of traditional Kurtos Kalacs, although obviously I'd rather eat one of those instead of these mass-produced chips.They have a nice crunch and, just like the real thing, are covered in caster sugar and cinnamon, which make them a nice little weird sweet snack.

I've bough these two more times, but I quickly lost interest in them in favor of actual Greek cookies, which tend to taste amazing. The range also includes nacho cheese pita chips, which are probably the best of them all, and oregano pita chips, which are painfully unremarkable. Overall, it's worth trying them out, but they'll probably not become a part of your junk food diet.

Pity.

Romero - Take the Potion (2013)


Sometimes I throw my garbage at Marco's place.

Now, that's not to say that I sneak around his neighbourhood at night with a full trash bag, smash it against the door to his house then run away laughing maniacally. Such brutal displays of savagery don't characterize me.

No. But sometimes, when watching TV and eating junk food, I quietly collect the empty chip bags and chocolate wrappers into my backpack. Some time after this, Marco might have me over to watch movies and break some more of his furniture. I would bring my garbage-stuffed backpack along, claiming that I need it to carry the beer or something. Then, just before handing him the cold cans, I ask him inconspicuously: "Hey, Marco, is it okay if I throw away some stuff in the paper waste bin in your room?" He says yes, the poor bastard. At which point, I plaster a sinister grin on my face, reach inside my backpack and hand him my long-collected garbage, which immediately fills up his little bin, rendering it useless. It's a way for me to subtly assert my dominance. It's a way of saying "I don't feel like taking out my own trash, so you will do it for me, even if you don't want to." This has been going on for some time. He doesn't suspect anything or, if he does, he is too afraid to do anything about it. Which means that my plan is working.

This blog is kinda like that too, only instead of Marco's house, it's your computer and/or listening device and instead of greasy snack bags, it's all sorts of violent music from the deepest pits of the internet. You are also too scared to question me, so don't even bother. Just go download this free album by Romero. It's stoner rock/doom and it'll brighten up your day. See? I only do it because I care.

http://romero.bandcamp.com/album/take-the-potion

February 18, 2013

Kalutaliksuak - Last Day of Sun (2008)





That’s right, spell it out, minions! I command thee!

From the cover, one would think it’s some kind of soundtrack to an eastern version of Cirque du Soleil and truth is one wouldn’t be that off. Based mostly on improvisation, what these Russian eccentrics manage to achieve during the course of almost 80 minutes is to paint a passionate landscape composed of cold-as-crazy sounds and spacey (no, not Kevin) interludes, all of them pickled in one giant bowl of cacophonous borscht vocals.

It’s supposed to be about the day-less winter that occurs in the extreme regions of earth, but hell if I know any better.  If it sounds good, it looks good and it feels good, then surely it must BE good.




P.S:  I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more infectious sounding bass guitar. It’s already glued to my brain and I don’t know if it will ever come off.



New Order - Lost Sirens (2013)




As you probably already noticed, I have the terrible habit of mixing details from my private life with music criticism. The reason I do this is because, at its core, music is a highly subjective thing. No matter how hard one tries to be objective, it all boils down to how he relates to said album.

Chester's music fuels my murderous nature.

There are all sorts of bands out there ; some make me feel happy, depressed, angsty, while certain groups piss me off so much that I briefly return to my punching-pregnant-women in the stomach habit ( which I totally gave up – It was either this or smoking).  

New Order’s 80’s disco feel good tribute, Lost Sirens, puts me in a good mood every time I play it, though it’s not their best work. In fact, it’s their weakest album to date. It’s so out of place and bland in parts that I nearly feel asleep while listening to this damn thing. But you know what? Fuck it. It makes me feels good and that’s that.

Mordwolf - Demo (2012)



i am not english very well but this music is a fucking!!

http://mordwolf.bandcamp.com/

February 17, 2013

SHOW REVIEW: Samsara Blues Experiment / 45Rats


A stoner rock concert is a beautiful thing to witness. Even without being drugged out of your mind like in some wannabe Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas character, the massive psychedelic riffs, the obscene quantities of reverb and the hypnotic drumming have the power of taking your mind to places it's never been before. Or so I imagined, because, prior to last Friday, I had never been to a stoner rock concert, despite desperately wanting to go. So I was pretty stoked when German stoner rock gods Samsara Blues Experiment announced they would be touring Greece in February and that they were also going to hit my  temporary place of residence, a mere two days after my birthday. I bought my ticket ahead of time (10 euros? A steal!) and, when Friday finally came, I bolted out of the house and ran straight to the venue where the show was about to take place.

I was early, as usual. The place looked almost deserted, save for a few lost souls enjoying some beers here and there. I walked to the bar where the same cute tattooed girl from last time handed me a cold can, I cracked it open and took a few sips, as I was waiting for the place to crowd up.



The support band soon took the stage and, after minimal preparations, dove head-first into their set. 45Rats are a young trio from Athens who play instrumental stoner rock with some clear nods to classical rock legends AC/DC. Their music is straight-up rockin', with fast drumming, some heavy metal riffing and lots of fiery guitar solos. The guitarist did his fair share of wah-wah pedal abuse during the set and at one point pulled out a harmonica from the back pocket of his jeans and busted out a sweet bluesy melody, before throwing it away and resuming playing the guitar. All in all, their set was pretty damn great and I made a mental note to check out their first EP called First Gear. 45Rats are offering it for free right here.

So the guys get their well-earned applause and the dudes from Samsara Blues Experiment immediately climb the stage and start hauling in their stuff, wiring pedals, tweaking the drums and strategically placing beer cans all over the stage. A few minutes of soundchecking - everything's in order. The show can begin.



The red lights fade out for a bit and fog starts filling up the stage and shortly after, the band just EXPLODES into a frenzy of massive riffs, rumbling bass lines and thunderous drumming. I pretty much lost my shit right there and then and I just allowed myself to become engulfed in the heavy psychedelic atmosphere. My memories of that night are fuzzy, much like Hans Eiselt's guitar tone. All I can remember is tons of fog and red lights, wailing guitar screams, groove-laden rhythmic sections and a general feeling of being in some form of altered state of conscience, where the heavily distorted psychedelic bluesy lines flow through me while I flow right along with them. As I stood there with my eyes closed, I understood once again that listening to MP3s of bands recorded in a studio is bullshit. Nothing could ever hope to equal the experience of actually being in the same room with the band as they're playing their guts out with the volume cranked all the way up to eleven. The roar of the crowd made the band return not once, but two times to the stage, after playing for almost two hours. They gave it their all and, by the end of the show, everyone was exhausted, but feeling happy and warm on the inside. We had witnessed pure passion and talent.


The only thing that put a dent in the evening for me was the utter lack of t-shirts at the merchandise stand. I would have happily gotten some piece of cloth inscribed with their band name, especially after they shared a picture on Facebook featuring a dizzying array of t-shirt designs from their personal collection.

Even so, my first true stoner rock experience has proven to be amazing, thanks to the shamans from Samsara Blues Experiment and their insane semi-improvised composition. T'was a night to remember, one which ended with an excessively long walk home and a sandwich eaten at 2.30 AM in the kitchen, while still trying to come to grips with what I had just seen. Then I had some cookies and went to bed. Bliss.

Here's a couple of songs I shot with my highly unprofessional equipment. Still, they turned out decent.





February 15, 2013

Top 5 things I hate about people

I made this because I noticed that there are quite a few things that rustle my jimmies. Really hard. So I tried to make a short list, but I assure you. I do hate a lot more stuff. Here we go.


5. Getting blamed for not liking what others like

 

I'm not talking about the act of dismissing mainstream music or whatever, this one's about the little yet important things in life. Like food. No, I can't love the same shit that you do, it's in our nature. We're kinda unique, don't have the same personalities and can't have everything in common.

What?

 

You don't like jam-filled pancakes?!?! What kind of human being are you?!

See? Even Obama likes them!

Ugh. I do love fruits, and I do enjoy eating nutella-filled pancakes. I just don't like them mixed together.

What?

You don't like Will Ferrell? But he's just so funny!!!

See? He's funny cause he forgot to get out of the tanning bed!

Just fuck off. Seriously. He can't act for shit and every movie he does sucks. Don't tell me I should watch Stranger Than Fiction, that's like a retarded version of The Truman Show. Jim Carrey did it much better.

4. People who share swag pics on Facebook 

 

I admit it, it's my fault I didn't delete these fuckers already. But they're fucking everywhere, spreading shitty photos reblogged from tumblrs like teenagersposts.tumblr.com or some other disease-filled blogs.

What?

 

Yeah, I'm talking about shit pics like these:




This includes people who post 9GAG shit. Which brings us to number three on this list...

3. 9GAG

 

Holy fucking crap, it's the shit-for-brains community that anyone with a functional brain should absolutely hate! It became popular like two years ago, back when 9GAG actually involved some funny gags. Now it's just a shithole of a place populated by retarded teenagers and 12 year-olds. Check out what Wikipedia says about them: The website is mainly known for recurring use of internet memes. Characters are usually poorly designed and usually in black and white which is part of the central focus of the humor in the site. Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of birdbrained nutfuck finds that funny?

What? U no liek funny????


Show me something funny posted on 9GAG. What did you say? I can't hear you over the sound of me crying while gazing at those shitty rage comics and god-awful memes.

2. People arguing on the Internet

 

I hate this so fucking much. Just tell me. Why would anyone ever do this? We all know the internet is full of people like this faggot right here:


I'm not even going to make the "special olympics" joke because everyone knows it.

What? But I must impose my perspective!!!

 

No. Just fucking stop it. You're on the internet. Everything you do here is pointless. Absolutely pointless. You don't like something? Ctrl + w and you're done. Admittedly, these retarded numbskull fights are fun to watch, but that doesn't really help.

So tell me. Do you like arguing? Fighting atheists? Blaming republicans? This is where you belong.

That's a sanatorium. Definitely not the most descriptive pic I could find.

1. Being called a hipster



What's up with this hipster bullshit? When did everyone hop off the emo bandwagon and started focusing their subjective attention on a random group of people? I'm going to demythify this internet sensation crap and spell it out for you: hipsters don't exist.


What?

Yeah, you heard me right. There's no such thing as a 'hipster'. You think you're hip if you post a photo of an expensive dish on Instagram? No, you're just an idiot. Every human being is considered to be a hipster by another (apparently) intelligent human life form. I'm going to show you an awesomely drawn picture now, because I'm too lazy to explain everything.



So it's all relative. The term has no actual definition, and if you try to define it, you're just going to describe someone you think is a hipster. See? It's like running around in a circle. Totally pointless. People, stop doing that.


I've been called a hipster countless times. Oh, you're listening to some bands that have under 2000 listeners on last.fm. So hip. Oh, you're watching movies that I never even heard about. So hip. Jesus Christ, people, stop being closed-minded. Open your eyes, explore, try something new, watch a movie that you wouldn't normally watch, listen to some new bands, just experiment the shit out of everything.